I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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