Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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