got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
