The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
