Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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