can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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