true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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