Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
