Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
