im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
