I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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