He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
