I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
