listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
