So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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