Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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