i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
