i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
