no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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