We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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