My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
