i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
