The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
