we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
