from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
