You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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