I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
