just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
