I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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