I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
