genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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