I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
