I feel great
I just peed on a car
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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