Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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