I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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