I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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