Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
