in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
