my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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