her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
