She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
