OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
