Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
