I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
