Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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