he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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