i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
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