Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
