also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
