Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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