If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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