I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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